i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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