Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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