I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
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I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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