I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
