Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
