last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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