Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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