Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Mom said you looked used
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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