I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
40s are totally the cure
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
