wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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