Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
