you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
