i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
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in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My penis needs a shock collar
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.