Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.