i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
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Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.