My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
please come you make the beer taste better
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
