Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
