Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
home. puking in laundry basket.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think I just shit out all my problems.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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