No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
