Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
