Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
