Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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