im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
