Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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