I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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