If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
