I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
