My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
