just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
