Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
