then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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