Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
