Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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