I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
