Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
