Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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