can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
