she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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