I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
