Jerry, you need to find god
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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