dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
