I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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