God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
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I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.