I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.