Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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