Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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