im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
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The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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