im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
