we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We were destined to go to rehab together
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
