My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
