he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize