My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I had to cum in my sink.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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