I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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