I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
