he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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