i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
