You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can't turn off my feet"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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