it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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